COFFEE MAKES ME PEE

I was in a synagogue last Friday night (since I am not religious that probably seems a bit odd) although I did not attend any religious services (well that makes some things seem a bit less odd but does open the door to a whole lot of other oddness) I was helping my friend Bethany serve espresso and cappuccino coffee drinks to folks after a special holiday dinner (I guess that does not really help explain any of the oddness, but it will make sense later). I have never helped serve fancy coffee drinks to a hundred or so Jews before but I guess it is not very different then serving fancy coffee drinks to a large group of Catholics or Islamists* except maybe for the occasional kvetching**.

Bethany, a member of that synagogue’s congregation who happens to be a rep for the Nespresso*** espresso company (I told you things would start making sense), had asked a few of us to help her serve drinks that night. Since I have two Nespresso machines I must have seemed like a logical choice despite the event’s location (see, it all fell into place). Several people operated the cool machines, I took drink orders, my wife corrected my numerous mistakes (no different then every other day, it’s one of the many reasons I need to keep her around) while Bethany ran around like a crazy person talking up the machines and solving problems like our running out of decaf and the electricity to the machines going out.

I have not been in a church or synagogue for a while. I have strong feelings on the subject of religion and I would like to think of myself as smart enough not to push my personal beliefs on anyone else. The bottom line is that even though I am not active in any organized religion, I strongly follow the main tenets that most are founded on. Of course the folks I work with tell me on an almost a daily basis that I am ‘going to hell’ but I expect that response to my somewhat blasphemous jokes since I live in the buckle of the Bible belt.

I had never been to this particular synagogue before that night although I was aware of it since it had been in the news lately. A few weeks ago an 81-year-old retired police officer was standing up for a prayer during services when his gun fell out of his pocket and discharged when it hit the floor. The accident might be funnier if the bullet had not shot his daughter in the leg as well as injuring two other people. To make matters worse there turned out to be another member of the congregation with the exact same name as the ex-police officer so when the story made the local news, the 84 year old retired furniture store owner with the same name kept getting phone calls from concerned and confused friends. ****

It was a chaotic event but it went by very fast. I got to hang around with some nice people and not only did I help but I also had fun. Afterwards I am not sure who kidnapped whom but Bethany and David (her ultra-swell gentleman pal) joined my wife and I for a cramped short drive in my Mini Cooper to a very non-kosher sushi restaurant for drinks and a late dinner.

We were sitting around chatting over the odd combination of onion rings and albacore sashimi when it came up that half of the table uses the restroom a lot more frequently then the other half. Yes, I was one of two frequent bathroom users. I am not embarrassed by this fact and I am very used to it.

For years as I excused myself to go use the facilities I have announced to drinking buddies in bars that ‘beer goes through me like an arrow through cotton’ and that ‘I have TB – tiny bladder’. A frequent bathroom goer like myself tends to have a whole repertoire of bad bathroom jokes to use while getting up for the umpteenth time to use the bathroom. I do not think there is anything physically wrong with me. I just go a lot. I think it is most likely due to all the beer and fancy coffee drinks I consume.

For years I have introduced my friend T-Bone to people as the ‘man that changed the way I go to the bathroom’. The line always gets looks, but it is true. Years ago he told me of an article he read about men having 50% less bladder and prostate problems if they follow the simple rules of not ‘pushing’ when you urinate and not ‘holding it’ for prolonged periods of time. I have followed those rules ever since. About the only time I ‘hold it’ in is when there is one of those creepy annoying bathroom attendants. I would rather have prostate and bladder problems then deal with them.

How or why the bathroom conversation came up that night I do not recall. My wife finds it very strange that since she has been with me the topic of restroom habits seems to frequently rear its ugly head when we are hanging out with friends. She claims to have never been a party to conversations like that before I came along. She feels her life has not improved by now knowing that there is an unwritten urinal rule amongst men that you never ever look down to the left or right, the fact that some bars have newspapers mounted on the wall above the urinals, that some men sit down in public restroom stalls to pee and that some men feel the need to spit when they pee.

I have never really understood the spit when you pee thing. I think a lot of guys do it because there is nothing else to do or just simply out of habit. I figure when some men were very little boys trying to feel macho while embarrassingly peeing in a public exposed place, they took up spitting as a seemingly manly man activity to do. The habit develops and suddenly as grown men, the loogies start to fly whenever they pee.

It is not only our male friends that discuss bathroom topics when we are out. We have learned from our female friends about all sorts of equally scary feminine bathroom rituals that I am sure no one really wants me to get into. Some people might say that there is no appropriate time to publicly discuss stuff like this but the truth is, like it or not, we all go to the bathroom (some more then others). Like the weather, it is a common point of context that we all can relate to. Well I better wrap this up; I have to go pee.* http://www.superluminal.com/cookbook/essay_coffee.html** http://www.thefreedictionary.com/kvetch*** http://www.nespresso.com/precom/home_us_en.html**** http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/latestnews/stories/091907dnmettemplegun.2d374ee.html