FLY

Both my brother and sister have written blogs about flying so last week while I scrambled to get to my destination, after American Airlines cancelled my flight along with 3300 other ones, I thought maybe it was time for me to chime in on the subject. I used to enjoy flying but lately it feels more like a Greyhound in the sky. I half expect to see Ratso Rizzo in the seat in front of me having 'a little rest stop that wasn't on the schedule'.

I was a little kid the first time I ever rode in a plane; it was a National Airlines flight from New York to Atlanta. Although my brother Neil teased me for years about my death grip on the armrests as we took off, what I recall the most is playing with the barf bags and the seat occupant card (man I'm old National Airlines shut down in 1980 and I have not seen a seat occupant card in about as long). The flight did not scare me near as much as David (the family friend's kid I had to share a room with while we visited Atlanta) talking in his sleep. He creeped the daylights out of me with his all night muttering.

My Dad got his pilots license when I was in High School. He used to love flying littlefour-seater Cessnas. He was always amused that in some states you have to be 18 to get a driver's license but you can get a license to fly at 16. He once asked me if I wanted to get one but I think I was a bit too intimidated by it all. Especially at 15 when my main goal in life was to overcome my mega dorkdom in order to meet girls (insert your own obvious 'still trying' joke).
Like everyone else I have had my share of great flights and miserable ones. Years ago when the rules of flying were a bit more lax, I ended up sitting near a guy that had 2 shopping bags at his feet filled with clothes, scuba gear, a boom box, dozens of music tapes and several bottles of Appleton Estates rum. Needless to say if you are sitting next to someone for three hours with a 'party to go' bag there is a good chance it will be a fun flight. An example of a miserable trip would be the time my wife and I ended up across the aisle from a grossly unprepared and overwhelmed Dad and his 4 year old daughter. For almost an hour, as he figured out when and how to set up a DVD on his computer, the girl loudly repeatedly yelled non stop "I wanna watch a movie, I wanna watch a movie, I wanna watch a movie noooooowwwwwww!". Trapped in a middle seat amongst a large Filipino family full of small unruly children for 7 hours on a flight from Guam was definitely not a party. The plane was a packed with people that looked like they had never flown before. You almost expected to see an old man lead a goat tied to a rope with livestock milling around his feet as he wandered up the aisle. Of course if you want to learn about a really bad flight, read my hijacked blogs from 4/15/2007 & 4/21/2007.

My sister wrote about her stressful anxiety about flying being tied to the 'lack of control' you have on a plane. My brother wrote about the pleasure of surrendering control and compared flying to a mini vacation because of it. As for me, I do not stress over the time in the air; I stress over missing a flight because my schedule rarely has any room for flexibility if I miss the plane. I do not fear a plane crash but I fear what condition my back will be in when I unfold myself out of the ill designed oft broken chairs that I have uncomfortably been crammed into for hours.

Last week when I learned that my flight had been cancelled I scrambled to find a different flight on Southwest Airlines. Southwest is more relaxed then American. It's like hanging out with your Uncle verses your Dad; you still have to follow some rules but everything is a lot more laid back. The Southwest flight attendant kept serving me free beers (like a good uncle would). I think she appreciated that I kept the cantankerous old man next to me occupied. He was pestering her a bit until I sat next to him and let him regale me with stories about 'cutting a man from appetite to asshole' for not paying his $12 space rental fee at the farmer's market he manages or about bribing cops when he owned a bar by offering them a cigar and slipping them a $20 bill folded in the accompanying match pack.

I do not mind all the extra time getting through security especially now that I have a new driver's license. I used to look quite a bit like a shady terrorist on my old Florida license and often got pulled aside for some extra interrogation to make sure I was not Osama Dan Laden. I do not miss the bad airline food or the little extras that have slowly been phased out. I do miss customer service, clean updated planes, leg room, courtesy and the feeling that I am not on a city bus with wings. Of course with fuel prices going up and industry competition going down I guess I will soon not be able to afford to fly anyway.